Shades of purple, for Ummi

 

Poem #20

 tiny footsteps

       on creaky stairs

                 sounds like human 

                                        but is cat. 

1992, a view.

 

Freedom Dance

 

IRL

way back in 2015 or was it 2016 

there was a Twitter feud

and it might’ve started with Obama and Trump and a presidential warning not to say his name

and then Avril Lavigne said a thing and along came the babadook 

and Obama got involved with another warning 

so Trump got involved and asked Avril to sing at his inauguration and 

she said dear god no never you big bully and 

he said well, your music sucks anyway and the babadook isn’t scary and I’ll ban all the babadooks

but he should have known you can’t get rid of the babadook 

And this all really happened. 

And now the babadook is gay. 

spam

do you remember that time we were invited to a party in high school
and we stopped at the convenient store to pick up a thing to bring
because one should never show up empty handed
and we didn't have fake IDs so we got a can of spam

and when we got to the party
no one wanted to eat the spam
so you opened it up and stuck your tongue in it?

do you remember that time?

do you?

i do.

he said she said

whiteness is the rule that constantly changes and contradicts itself to benefit and protect whiteness
she said
working remotely is a blessing because this is the first year that a white colleague hasn't said something racist to me
she said
a student accused of stealing and it's "because i'm black"
he said

white teachers' emotions are not for me to take on

she said

go get your people

they said

you'll make mistakes along the way

he said

it's an ongoing process 

he said
this is anti-racism

she said

so let's do the work

we said

doors

i know nothing of locked doors
closed doors even
as a child
my bedroom door was always open
too big for the frame
i was the eldest
but my brother got the door that closed
my father built our house
but he wouldn't fix my door
i dressed always hiding

because
my family knew nothing of knocking

and
i know nothing of boundaries

This old face

I have gotten to that age that I never imagined being at where your face doesn’t look like your face anymore and there’s lines that aren’t just leftover from the pillow crease and they don’t seem to go away and there’s two above your eyebrow that seem out of place in their stuck position and now there’s jowls forming around your mouth and this jagged line on only one side of your face that you’re constantly trying to wipe away and you think of all those times you regretted laughing knowing what it would do to your face and you wish you bought that retinol collagen hydraulic lotion before today because obviously now it’s far too late for your face

Everyone is medicated

everyone in this household is medicated.

the people are medicated,

the dog is medicated,

the cat is medicated.

we live in medication nation.

we live in a house of troubled beings

except for the koi

those fish aren’t medicated, 

they’re alive. 

#11

it creeps in and consumes everything 

can’t hold up your head at the breakfast table

try going for a long walk 

to shake it off

he asks a question 

you respond with a whisper, a shoulder shrug 

it has taken your voice

you watch two movies, have a snack, drink some wine

try to shake it off 

but then you’re back at the dinner table

head in your hands 

just trying to pick up the fork

Question

How do people find joy

What do they do to connect with other people

And not feel so alienated and alone

And how might I be more like those people

Who somehow want to live today

Asking for a friend of course

Litter boxes

sometimes I wish I was pregnant so that someone else would have to clean the litter box

I took my first pregnancy test in October  

but I wasn’t pregnant and even if I was it would have been ectopic said the internet 

and I still don’t know why my period was 10 days late and mostly this all just means I’m still cleaning the litter box

P

this week someone I know died in July and we only found out this week in January. 

the week before I thought I should call her it’s been too long but I was 6 months too late

the shadow

i am teaching young minds about the shadow self

a metaphor last week,

before the thing even happened

America has a shadow self

and it was hiding just beneath the surface

while America was pretending to be something it is not

its name is white supremacy 

and the 45th man, he who must not be named 

has let the shadow out

and now we are forced to do our shadow work

like Jung would have wanted

tiny white men

there's a tiny white man growing inside me, right now
she says
future mother of more whiteness
i'm making a tiny little penis inside me right now

she says

and i think that there is probably nothing i would want less to be growing inside me 

than a tiny white man who 

will one day turn into a bratty white boy 

and later, a big and terrible white man filled with privilege 

and entitlement, overcompensating for his tiny white penis
okay, fine
i admit, i am biased against white men
and their penises

Therapy 101

why are you that way?
and how has your childhood made you who you are?
and how would you describe yourself as a little girl?
what made you feel able to fully be yourself?
and how would you describe your growth over this past year?
she asks because it's a new year
and I try to hide my knowing face
when she goes into this mode
when
suddenly my therapist wants to get deep with me
wants to psychoanalyze me
wants to get into the past
and I let her
but am skeptical of anything she says, anything she asks
because it is so scripted and the transitions are so lumpy
but I am growth
so I allow it

How not to be a white supremacist

this week in my remote classroom I am teaching one student how not to become a white supremacist 

but I don’t think he gets it and that is a new feeling for me, a teacher

but I’ll keep trying to infiltrate his mind with notions of anti-racism 

while he’s distracted with his video games and Morgan Freeman

King sized

I have a new home 

and in that home is a new bed 

and it is a king sized bed 

and I’ve never had a king sized bed because that seems extreme 

but our old bed with a box spring didn’t fit up the stairs

and this king bed uses two twin box springs that fit up the stairs 

so now we sleep in the same bed 

but never touch because it’s just too big 

and we are too far apart for that kind of thing

Belated Poem #2

another missed deadline

reminding myself on January 2nd: it’s time to write that poem

and then I forget

and then it’s January 4th

time to catch up

get ready for deez poemz 

yo

who am I kidding?